A 'Captain's' Guide To Naming Your Boat
How to name your new boat and not sound like a pirate, pervert, weirdo or all-around douchebag.
Naming a boat is as tricky as naming a child, and even more important. Name your new boat after a real person, and odds are you will make some overlooked family member angry or jealous; and you might as well pick a pretty name because you are going to be screaming it over and over when someone borrows her and that rambunctious boat stays out past 2 a.m., making you worry all night that she might be wrecked and lying in a ditch somewhere.
I happen to know a little something about boat naming. I am the proud Daddy of two boats of my own, a precious little kayak that was brought into this world early Christmas morning with a cute little red ribbon tied to her bow, right above that adorable factory-made dimple, and her recently adopted, much-older sibling, an elegant fiberglass and cypress canoe. In fact, you can call me Captain, if you insist.
Sit back and let Captain Mikey give you some excellent advice on naming your own little bundle of maritime joy.
What’s in a name?
The first question you may have is: “Does this lunatic writer paint his boats with lead paint?” The second question may be: “Why bother naming a boat at all?”
The practice of boat naming originated in ancient times, when sailors named vessels after gods, goddesses, or saints in hopes of good fortune, good fishing and safe travels. These names were believed to be recorded by Poseidon (the Greek god of the sea) in the Ledger of the Deep, which was his personal record book.
Nowadays, boats are recorded in a different ledger, one faithfully kept by the IRS, as well as the state and county tax collectors. That’s why some modern sailors like to name their boats after winning lottery tickets, profitable Fortune 500 companies, etc. I once knew a well-to-do local family who owned a string of convenience stores and fueling stations along the interstate. Their boat was aptly named Gas Money. Somehow, I don’t think Poseidon would approve of all this, but as long as the IRS is happy, everyone is happy.
When it comes to naming your boat, no one has the right to tell you what to emblazon on the stern. It’s your baby, you paid for it (or are probably still working two jobs to pay for it), and you keep her well-fed with high-octane marine fuel. But trust me; from one Captain to another, there are a few names that you might want to steer away from.
(Out on the water with my favorite lady. My wife is somewhere in the background, too.)
Boat names to avoid
There are a few unoriginal names that the gods likely wouldn’t approve of, frankly because they have become so popular that they are almost a floating cliché. For example: Seas The Day, Carpe Diem, Dream Weaver, Wind Catcher, Osprey, Pegasus, Serenity and Serendipity, which the website BoatUS says have been among the most popular vessel names for decades. Come one, folks, you can do better than that.
With the popularity of The Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise, there are a lot of ships named Pearl floating around out there right now. I would also avoid any name with “munity,” “scurvy,” or “scalawag” in the title. Thanks a lot, Captain Jack Sparrow.
Gentlemen, kindly avoid vulgar names if you can help yourself. Imagine this: you are out on your fishing boat, Master Baiter, and you ride up on your Baptist preacher who is fishing with all the deacons. Yeah, that could be awkward. For the sake of decency on the high seas, I would also avoid Dirty Little Oars, Fish-N-Chicks, Sexual Heeling (heeling means the tilting or leaning of a boat to one side, usually caused by the force of the wind on the sails), Dream-Catch-Her, Worm Dangler, A Little Nauti, Let’s Get Nauti-cal, Play Buoy, Happy Hooker, and The Court Ship.
Some boat names are so pompous and cocky that the owner must be begging for trouble on the high seas: Aquaholic (obviously more than just a social boater), Second Wind (clearly a sail boat), Blew By You (obviously a speed boat), Liquid Asset, Miss Behavin’ and Nauti Buoy (obviously someone is begging to get stopped and cavity searched by the U.S. Coast Guard).
Here are some corny boat names that should be scuttled to the bottom of the sea: Fishizzle, The Codfather, Hoosier Daddy, 3 Sheets, My Ex-Wife Got the Mansion, Grandkid’s Inheritance, Why Knot and High Maintenance.
Imagine that you are a Coast Guard captain, and you hear on the radio that a boat with one of these disastrous names is in distress. After the reluctant rescue mission, please feel free to impound that improperly named vessel at the nearest marina, revoke the captain’s license, and then send him or her to the brig to think about what they have done.
(My ladies and I, right before a makeover.)
Naming boats after real people
When it comes to boat naming, I find nothing is classier, more timeless and traditional than using a beloved female name for a vessel, especially since it is maritime tradition that every boat be considered a “she.” However, in today’s politically correct world this may be a touchy subject, so I won’t attempt to assume your boat’s gender.
As a gentleman and a romantic, I named my first lovely boat after an important female in my life, which is why I gave the kayak my wife’s nickname, Mrs. Sparky. It only seemed fitting, considering all the begging, crying and dish washing I had to do to convince the wife to buy it for me. But from the day she came into my life, that little dear has given me nothing but trouble, demanding my attention all the time, begging me to go shopping for her, preventing me from spending time hanging out with the boys, keeping me up at night dreaming about her, etc. Women…
However, when it comes to lady names there are a few safety rules:
-If you are happily married, it’s never a good idea to hang on to a boat named after your ex-wife, an ex-girlfriend, or your favorite sexy movie star. I would suggest renaming the boat, or trading it in on a newer model, unless you enjoy being christened by repeated paddle blows to the head or you have a secret longing to be buried at sea.
-If you name a boat after the beloved family dog, Dixie Girl, you will have to be very specific when you talk about “covering Dixie up” and “putting her down for the winter” in front of the kids, unless you want to deal with a tearful misunderstanding.
-To avoid any in-law drama, never name a boat after your mother unless you have already named a boat after your wife. That’s just common sense, man. Otherwise, the original Mrs. Sparky might get jealous, and you will have to spend the night sleeping in your new boat, Momma Wanda, with nothing but a sail to keep you warm. To keep confusion down, I suggest that you simply name your boat Love of My Life, and then you can privately tell both your wife and your Mom that the name was inspired by them. No one needs to know that you really named it after that hot cheerleader you had a crush on back in high school.
Speaking of naming, perhaps it may have been a little pompous and arrogant for me to insist you call me Captain. After all, I do own two boats now, and that should be considered a fleet. So how about Admiral?
(Ain’t she pretty? But she demands a lot of my attention and keeps me up at night, dreaming about her.)
I want to thank you for this piece today. I was having a bad before and after reading this it made my day just a little better. Keep up the good stories!