Deer season opens in SC: A handy guide to hunting with Mom's minivan.

Satire: No animals were harmed in the writing of this story.

Deer-hunting season opens today in the S.C. Lowcountry, and people from around the Southeast make an annual pilgrimage here to help control our whitetail deer population and boost the local economy. But you don’t need to spend big bucks to take down big bucks in Hampton County - just drive to work or the nearest Piggly Wiggly. They are everywhere.

(Two avid deer “hunters,” ready for action and fresh meat in the freezer.)

Forget all that nonsense of climbing trees and chasing deer around with dogs. For sheer hair-raising, adrenaline-pumping excitement, nothing beats running that old ten-point, trophy buck down the old-fashioned way - with a Ford truck.

(In case you aren’t from around this part of the South, deer are everywhere: in our gardens, jaywalking across our streets, even committing small larcenies and other crimes in our yards. It is their dangerous jaywalking habits that concern us at the moment.)

Being the proud sportsman I am, I hate to admit this, but I've killed more deer unintentionally with trusty American-made steel that with the lead from any shotgun or rifle. In fact, I've totally abandoned conventional deer hunting. Why spend all that time out there freezing my camouflaged buns off when I can kill deer in the heated comfort of my car, and listen to my favorite satellite country radio station while I do it? Why spring for a costly license, expensive ammo, outrageous hunting club fees, and all that tacky camo clothing, when I can bag a trophy just by driving to work or the nearest Piggly Wiggly grocery store?

Killing deer with an automobile in the South is an easy and economical sport - provided you have good auto insurance, your deductible is paid up, and you don't mind driving around in a dented clunker for a while.

I guess my love for vehicular deer slaughter comes honestly. My mother is a devoted deer hunter. A seemingly innocent schoolteacher by day, the woman is a deadly deer slayer by night.

I knew even as a little boy that something just wasn't quite right with Momma.

“Michael, there's a deer! Hit ‘em!” she screamed to my Dad one Sunday morning on the way to church.

“Wanda, that deer will tear this minivan all to hell!” Dad didn’t mind swearing and cursing on the way to church, unlike some fathers probably would. He and Mom had been married a long time and there were three annoying children in the back of that minivan.

“Well, can’t you just bump him a little bit?” Momma persisted. “Maybe just knock the wind out of him long enough for me to get him in the back of the van?”

Sadly, Mom's minivan has spelled doom for many a doe-eyed forest creature. Her number of deer-related crashes is so high as to rule out all possibility of coincidence in the eyes of the Lord, the Law and the friendly neighborhood State Farm Insurance guy. The woman has killed so many deer that, in addition to a wrecker, the AAA service now dispatches a skinner, butcher and taxidermist every time she calls. She's on a first-name basis - but not good speaking terms - with the local insurance adjuster, who is now trying to figure out a way to make up his losses by selling life insurance policies to the local wildlife.

Strangely enough, however, these crashes only happen when the meat in the freezer starts getting low.

But who knows, deer hunting with an automobile may become the next big outdoor fad. I can just hear two auto hunters down at the lodge talking about their latest kill.

“That's a nice buck. Where'd you get him?” one hunter might enquire with obvious jealously.

“Oh, right there at the intersection of U.S. 601 South and S.C. Highway 3,” the lucky sportsman would reply with beaming pride. “He was trying to hide in a thicket of political campaign signs, but I hit the high beams and flushed him right out into the open. It's kind of hard to tell with the bumper stuck to his head, but he looks like he could have been an eight-pointer.”

“Yeah, well I missed a six-pointer last week with my little old Nissan,” the jealous hunter counters, “but next time I'll bring out the big gun. That eight-cylinder Dodge will get him for sure.”

The rules of vehicular deer-slaughter

If you are becoming bored with the sport of conventional deer hunting and are considering getting behind the wheel for a more mobile approach to outdoor recreation, here are a few tips:

1. The Ten-Minute Rule is the most important rule of vehicular deer hunting. Much like the Ten-Second Rule, which says that a dropped potato chip isn't dirty if it has been on the floor less than ten seconds, a run-down deer is only good if you pick him up within ten minutes. After ten minutes beside the road a downed deer is no longer a trophy – its road kill. And you have to actually hit the deer yourself, or at least witness the collision, before you can rightfully claim the meat. Picking up a deer someone hit last Tuesday, for instance, is not only unethical sportsmanship, it's also disgusting.

Furthermore, you may also need those ten minutes to collect your nerves. The first five minutes will do to ascertain whether the damage to your vehicle and your underwear is merely cosmetic or permanent. And the next five minutes should be used to determine if the deer is actually dead or merely stunned. (You could call the County Coroner, but then he or she may want a share of the meat.) But you have to do something, because the last thing you want is to have a “dead” deer miraculously come back to life in the back of a minivan and cause a second crash miles down the road. Then there would be the pesky trouble of having to explain to the insurance adjuster how that deer you hit caused two crashes and tore up the inside of your vehicle as well as the exterior.

2. Make it look like an accident. Killing a deer with an automobile has to at least appear accidental or you may be thought of as a poor sportsman. There are a few points of etiquette to keep in mind when cruising for deer.

A) It's not sporting to veer over more than one lane of traffic to take out a deer, unless it's a really big trophy buck. Then you could always claim that you were so distracted by his huge rack that you had to text a friend a picture while driving, which inadvertently caused you to cross the yellow center line.

B) It's never okay when your vehicle completely leaves the roadway to take out a deer, not for any reason. For starters, rights of ownership may become an issue if you peg a deer in someone's yard. Secondly, the deer you hit in someone's yard may actually be part of a Christmas display, or even worse, a decoy set up by the game warden to catch my Mom.

There is everything you need to know to enjoy a safe and productive travel/deer hunting season in South Carolina. So, if you decide to take to the highways looking for sport - and to put meat in the freezer - drive carefully, watch out for my Mom, and happy hunting.

Author’s Note: No animals were harmed in the writing of this column, and the author swears that he has never intentionally committed vehicular cruelty to any animals. As for his mother, however…

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