Horror in the Outdoors

Here there be dragons - and blood-sucking vampires...

If you want to star in your own horror movie this Halloween, just step outside.

Horror film enthusiasts and Halloween fans are likely familiar with the old Hollywood clichés. Horror/thriller movies like Deliverance and Wrong Turn made you think twice before traveling through isolated, rural Appalachia to visit your weird, hillbilly cousins. Movies like Stephen King’s Cujo made me see rabid dogs on every corner. Then there are the summer camp or “Cabin in the Woods” type of horror movies, where everyone is having a fine old time in a mountain cabin when, suddenly, spooky and eerie things start happening, and one by one your friends disappear until only the main characters are left to deal with whatever mask-wearing, clinically insane psycho killer lurks in the darkness.  

     But you don’t have to click on Netflix to find your horror thrills. Just read today’s news headlines and you’ll find that plenty of deadly threats await you in the “great” outdoors, from vampire insects to giant mutant bears and even a dragon or two.

Vampire “kissing bugs”

     Here is a headline from live5news.com that caught my attention the other day: “Blood-sucking ‘kissing bug’ reported throughout southern US, moving north.”

     According to The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the insect Triatomine sanguisuga, sometimes called kissing bugs, attack humans by biting them in the face and can spread a potentially deadly disease, the Chagas disease.

     The only bloodsucker our older generations had to deal was when Dad took Mom to the sock hop back in the 50s and she left a hickey on his neck.

Here there be dragons

     Just when you thought dinosaurs were extinct, and dragons were mythical, here comes this Oct. 1 report in Sporting Classics Daily. Georgia and South Carolina, which still haven’t quite gotten over the Gen. Sherman invasion during the Civil War, have now been invaded by the Tegu, a four-feet-long lizard.

     A native of South America, the Argentine black and white tegus can grow up to 15 pounds and eat everything from rats and crawfish to blackberries and beetles. They favor eggs, devouring anything from quail and turkey eggs to turtle and chicken eggs, making them a deadly threat to native populations. They will fight humans if cornered.

     I can just imagine what would happen if I ran into one of these giant lizards along a dark forest trail. No one would believe me when I cried, “It was a dragon, I tell you! A real dragon! And it was breathing fire!”

Snakehead fish, anyone?

     Here is an Oct. 9 headline from SCD: “Invasive Northern Snakeheads found in Georgia.”

Apparently, someone thought it a good idea to release a fish native to China into American waters, and now this invasive species has been reported in 14 states.  Darn Chinese imports causing us problems again!

     The problem with these fellows is two-fold:

 - They have a modest superpower – they can also breathe air, allowing them to survive on land and in low-oxygenated waters;

- They have small, razor-sharp teeth, can grow up to three feet long and catch and eat more largemouth bass than your local Bass Masters club.

     But these super fish have one weakness: according to a taste test reported in The Washington Post, they taste just as good or better than tilapia, flounder and cod. Perhaps I’ll grab a frying pan and some tartar sauce and take a ride over to Georgia so I can put my superpower to use.

Are Grolar bears grumpy?

     Thanks to modern generations tampering with the climate, we now have some dangerous animals that our forefathers never could have imagined - unless, of course, your forefather is Stephen King.

     As a result of global warming and climate changes, different species of bears in North America are now widening their ranges, going “free love” and getting a little freaky north of the border (SCD, May 26, 2016).

     Have you ever heard of a “grolar bear?” Well, that’s what you get when a lonely male grizzly bear pushes farther north into Arctic reaches and falls in love with a female polar bear. Ever seen a “pizzly?” That’s what happens when an amorous male polar bear migrates south, pitches woo and knocks up a female grizzly. 

Coywolves aren’t coy and cute

     If mutant migrating bears aren’t scary enough, there is now a new super-hybrid mix of wolves, coyotes and dog that people are referring to as coywolves (SCD, Dec. 31, 2015). Larger than a coyote, and first cousin to the chupacabra (okay, I just made that part up), the coywolf is the perfect canine predator and can eat everything from pumpkins to people. It can survive in woods and urban areas alike. Larger than a coyote, one coywolf can easily bring down a fully grown whitetail, so it doesn’t need the protection of a pack.

     Studies of coywolf DNA found that these hybrids are a potluck of 65-percent coyote, 25-percent wolf and 10-percent dog (probably my promiscuous Black Lab hunting associate, Willie the Wonderdog, who has religious objections to birth control). Scientists blame the coywolf’s existence on human efforts to eradicate the eastern wolf. Faced with a dwindling number of mating pairs and a smaller dating pool, these desperate wolves have been forced to lower their standards and pick up any stray mate they can find, which is kind of what some of us do in small, Southern towns where you are kin to everyone else in town and you make bad decisions at the family reunion.

The Zika Virus

     My father often brags about surviving his military days and popping malaria pills in the tropics of Southeast Asia. Malaria? Please, old timer. Allow me to introduce you to a real disease. Zika is not only acquired by mosquito bites, it can be sexually transmitted – you can take it home and share with your spouse on Valentine’s Day!

     I can just imagine the conversations at the kitchen table, as the husband prepares to leave on an extended three-day hunting trip:

     “Make sure you use protection!” fusses the worried wife. “You bring home the big Z again and I’m taking the kids and leaving you!”

Crazy Ants

     I’m sure Old Dad hasn’t seen the newspaper headlines about the looming threat of another invasive species in the Southeast, the “tawny crazy ant.”

     The tawny crazy ant (not to be confused with my scrawny, crazy aunt, who drinks a lot and chases old men) is a fast-multiplying, aggressive species of ant known for its erratic movements. Native to South America, these ants have been transported—with a lot of help from man—into the continental U.S.

     These ants have three hobbies: reproducing in such large numbers that they overwhelm other species of ants, secreting formic acid on your skin when they crawl, and infesting electrical equipment, which causes blackouts. Quite charming fellows, aren’t they?

     During a recent study, scientists placed a cookie next to a native fire ant hill, and then turned the crazy ants loose. Not only did they bully the fire ants and take the cookie, the invaders also stole the native ant’s lunch money, committed some light vandalism and gave the Zika virus to a couple of the fire ants’ girlfriends.

Big Brother

     I yearn for the simpler days of yesteryear, when the only real threat an honest outdoorsman had was that sneaky old game warden, who was always lurking around to harass a fellow into obeying all the rules and regulations and protecting our natural resources. Today, biologists and law enforcement officials have remote-controlled flying drones that hover overhead unseen to monitor the movements of wildlife, while keeping an eye out for poachers. Even the anti-hunting, animal rights groups sometimes use drones to spy on hunters and occasionally harass them or try to spoil their hunts.

     But Big Brother has finally gone too far. According to SCD (April 14, 2016), scientists are now using NASA satellites to aid in mule deer research. That’s right, NASA currently uses two satellites to locate areas of vegetation where female mule deer are likely to bed down and give birth. Then, using this data, biologists work to protect these areas while also ensuring that these mommy deer have adequate Obamacare.

     But this could present some real problems for old-school hunters like yours truly.

     “NASA, we’ve spotted a rather large, slow-moving object approaching Baby Deer No. 2669 in Quadrant 3. It appears to be a human-like life form. It also appears to be carrying a hunting rifle and a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Houston, we have a problem. I repeat, we have a problem.”

     With everything from snakeheads and dragons underfoot, drones overhead, gangs of criminal ants and mutant migrant mammals roaming around, and vampire Zika-infested kissing bugs lurking out there in the wilds, I think I’ll just stay home and watch TV.

     I wonder what channel Deliverance is on…