Moms Gone Wild

Some Moms want brunch and flowers. Others want a boob job, or a weekend pass from the county jail, or to christen their rejuvenated lady parts. No matter how wild your Mom might be, all mothers deserve to feel special and beautiful on Mother’s Day.

“Even bad men love their mommas.” – Russell Crowe as Ben Wade in 3:10 to Yuma

Welcome to Swampton County, S.C., where Mother’s Day is a sacred time. Hell McCatchum, Editor of The Swampton Slinger newspaper, always strives to do something sweet in the hometown paper or with the community to show his appreciation for motherhood on Mom’s special day.

On his first Mother’s Day at the paper, Hell organized a Mom Triathlon, which included a foot race while carrying two small children and a sack of groceries, paddling through a river of dirty laundry, and teaching a kid to ride a bike faster than the bully down the street.

Then there was the World’s Greatest Mom Competition, which included a bra-hurling event (in honor of all those times Working Mom snatches her bra off at the end of an exhausting 9-to-5 day and slings it across the living room onto the couch), with points for both distance and accuracy.

That competition also included a “Yo Momma” joke contest, an arm-wrestling showdown, diaper changing contest, homework completion category, a mischievous-child spanking contest (with points for form, swinging style and effectiveness) and the crowd favorite, a Pick Your Baby grand finale, where the Moms were blindfolded and forced to identify their own infants out of a lineup just by sniffing their sweet-smelling, cute heads – or their soiled, diapered butts.

One year, he held a Hot Mom Beauty Pageant. That was pretty popular with most of the Dads, and rumor has it that it sparked a few new childbirths roughly nine months later, as well as a couple of divorces when errant fathers rooted for the wrong mother. That year he also hosted a contest to see which Mom had the largest C-Section scar and pregnancy stretch marks (that one wasn’t quite so popular).

The following year things went smoother, as Editor McCatchum organized a Pretty Baby Contest, followed by an Ugliest Baby Contest – that way every Mom took home some type of prize and no one was left out.

One year, he even talked the Swampton County Sheriff’s Office into furloughing all the Moms in the county jail for 48 hours, just so they could be with their families on Mom’s special day. Those weekend passes went over well, at first, and lots of local families were reunited for Mother’s Day weekend.

Unfortunately, many of the families still expected the Moms to cook their own Mother’s Day dinner and then wash the dishes, so most of the Moms turned out to be flight risks, and for a few days it was “Moms Gone Wild” around Swampton as the SCSO Fugitive Task Force rounded up the offenders.

There were stray Moms skittering around everywhere that week. Two rival Moms started a turf war in a Target before being Tasered and transported back to jail. The Sheriffs snagged several Moms in orange jumpsuits coming out of the Swampton Mini-Mall, shopping bags in hand. They caught four Moms at the beauty parlor trying to get a fresh perm or get their roots done, three Moms drinking communal wine and playing bingo down at the Catholic church, and we have it on good authority that two poor mothers were apprehended with their ankle-monitor-strapped feet propped up at the manicure/pedicure joint on Speed Limit Road.

We know, Mom deserves to look and feel beautiful, and it’s not against the law to go shopping, but a warrant is a warrant, okay? At least that’s what the Sheriff told the angry Mom mobs at the press conference.

So, this year Hell McCatchum decided to play it safe and keep it simple. He devoted the entire editorial page to Moms, and encouraged readers to write a letter to Mom, or say something nice about their wonderful mothers. Soon, the letters to the editor began pouring in:

Dear Swampton Slinger,

Our family has the world’s sweetest Mom, but here in her Golden Years she has been insecure about her appearance, mainly her sagging boobs. One of them dropped out of her blouse the other day and plunked right into a pot of chicken soup. Luckily, while Mom said it stung like hell, it didn’t affect the taste that much.

Sure, we have done all we can. We took Mom to the doctor and got her a “lift kit” for her malfunctioning mammaries, and to further boost her self-esteem we even tried breast enlargement surgery, but my siblings and I could only afford to get one boob done at a time. At first, that made Mom feel a little better, but now she is starting to have spinal problems and back pain, what with one boob heavier than the other and making her walk all lopsided.

We are saving money now for Mom’s other breast, and we will be holding a few bake sales, car washes, etc. to raise money to get her leveled out, but if you see our Mother walking cattywampus down the street please be sure to tell her she is beautiful, on the left and the right, and her family loves her dearly.

Happy Mothers’ Day!

Signed,

Off Balance in Brunson

Dear Slinger,

Mom and Dad had a great marriage, keeping the fire going for over 40 years, but ever since Pop passed away our mother has been lonely. She’s been thinking about wading back into that old dating pool, but she claims that six natural childbirths have “really done a number on my lady parts,” to put it politely, and she wants to roll back the odometer before she finds a new beau.

I’ll spare you any further details, but we have launched a GoFundMe page to help Mom get that vaginal rejuvenation she has been dreaming of. Mom has said more than once that if she ever got a new “hoo-ha,” she would be so happy and proud she’d christen it with a champagne bottle like they do those new ships.

If you would like to donate, go to gofundme.com/moms-new-gina. Donations can be made anonymously. And if you support our worthy cause, we will invite all donors to the Ribbon Cutting and Christening Celebration down at the Veterans Legion Hut.

In the meantime, if you know a handsome old man with a good heart, stamina, and sense of adventure, please tell him Mom said “Hi!”

Signed,

Wore Out in Williston

After reading this heart-warming correspondence, Hell got emotional and picked up the phone, inviting his mother to brunch. Maybe it’s a good time for you to give your mother a call, or who knows, write her a sweet letter.

Happy Mother’s Day from Swampton, S.C.