On Father's Day, ask yourself: Are you charging enough Daddy Tax?

Fathers, if you aren’t charging “Daddy Tax,” you’re missing out on valuable revenue, and what better way to prepare kids for adult life in America than to get them paying outrageous taxes at every level and expecting little in return.

Only three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and rebellious children who disappoint you.

The unthinkable has finally happened - a mutiny that is corroding the DeWitt family from within. I am ashamed to inform you that one of my own alleged children recently refused to pay his “Daddy Tax.”

One of my dependents, whom I brought into this world with great pain at my wife’s delivery room bedside as she hurt my ears with her pitiful howling at every contraction; a part of whom I carried around inside my body much longer than the nine months his Mom brags about (I would tell you how long it took to conceive the child, but I don’t want to embarrass the poor girl), claimed a tax exemption and refused to give me a piece of his mint chocolate Kit Kat bar!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept of Daddy Tax, here is how it works. Suppose Dad buys his kid a pack of candy, paid for with Dad’s sweat-stained money that is earned while the kid is sipping Jungle Juice and watching Disney Plus at home, all of which are also paid for by Dad and Mom. It’s only right that Dad be entitled to a few pieces out of that bag.

Suppose Dad, who puts shingles over the kid’s head and lights on to keep the monsters away at night, purchases the kid some nice, hot, salty French fries. It’s only fair and just that old Dad be allowed to steal the best ones right off the top while they are still hot, and maybe even take a sip of the kid’s soda as well.

Fathers, if you aren’t charging Daddy Tax, I suggest you begin immediately, and I certainly wouldn’t blame you if you charged some “Daddy Back Taxes” to make up for lost time and revenue.

Complying with the Daddy Tax Code is the least a kid can do. Besides, what better way to prepare them for real life as an adult in America than to get them accustomed to paying outrageous taxes at every level and expecting little in return.

As you can see, if there is only one tax in all of this Democratic Republic that is fair and just and beneficial, it is Daddy Tax.

I am proud to say that, before this ungrateful uprising by my little insurgents, I had my taxpayers so indoctrinated and compliant that they would each voluntarily submit my Daddy Tax without the need for me to get out of my Lazy Boy recliner and ask for it, like peasants bringing tribute to their king. It was a golden era in the Dad Regime.

But alas, that was before the Great Kid Coup of 2024.

While I won’t name this Daddy Tax-evader because he is a juvenile, rest assured that all of my taxpaying constituents will be facing heavy fines and penalties this fiscal term. There will be a full audit of this year’s Easter baskets, and I may even have to garnish some wages come Trick or Treat time.

Jesus, who once befriended a tax collector, said, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s; and to God the things that are God’s.” So you brats better give unto Dad what is Dad’s, or I’m going to stop paying my Santa Claus Taxes. (Don’t get me started on that heavy handed crook!)

And I’ll be waiting for you with a sweet tooth on Halloween.