The FBI's Top 10 Least-Wanted Anglers
Sometimes true crime and fishing go hand in hand.
From The Counter and The Gambler, to The Dock Blocker and The Romantic, consider all of these suspects armed with aggravation and dangerously annoying.
(Ahh, the hopeless Romantic, falling in love with every beautiful catch.)
Natural short of a fully developed hurricane or a Hollywood-style “Sharknado” can ruin a fishing trip faster than taking aboard a lousy fishing partner.
After years of research and psychological character profiling, and spending time with some of the seediest elements in the underbelly of human society (my fishing buddies), I have identified and profiled the FBI’s (Fishing Buddy Investigations) Top 10 Least-Wanted Anglers. If you come into contact with any of these suspects, please consider them dangerously annoying and avoid at all costs.
1. The Counter
There are many types of so-called fishing buddy that you should avoid, but some take longer than others to identify. However, you will know right away if you have a counter on your boat because the moment he or she catches a fish, they exclaim: “Well, that’s one for me, zero for you!”
Through gritted teeth, you reply. “Thanks for the math lesson, but this ain’t golf, buddy!” while doing a little math of your own and calculating the exact amount of bait casting blunt force you would need to actually murder The Counter, and how many lead fishing weights it would require to sink the body.
The Counter is also often referred to as The Competitor, The Scorekeeper, or the “Accidental Drowning Victim,” depending on if you are talking to a fellow angler or to a Department of Natural Resources law enforcement agent.
2. The Dock Blocker
We have all seen this despicable character. Say you are on a paid, guided fishing trip with a bunch of the guys. You all paid good money to fish, but there is always that one guy who will hog all the action, often by standing at the front of the boat and blocking everyone else from reaching the prime fishing spots, such as docks or weedy shorelines. Small children, elderly people and even wounded veterans mean nothing to this angler – The Dock Blocker doesn’t care if anyone else on the boat catches fish, as long as he has good luck.
The Blocker is also known as The Jumper, because if everyone is sharing the rods, he will always be the first one to jump up and snatch in a biting fish, often barreling over pregnant women and crippled children along the way. The Blocker is a real nasty criminal, the worst of the worst.
3. The Saboteur
The Saboteur is closely related to The Blocker and The Jumper, and they often share the same deviant multiple personalities. If The Sab can’t block you from catching fish, or out-jump you to the spot fast enough, he or she will use every immoral and unethical device possible to sabotage you and prevent you from catching fish.
I once witnessed a situation involving a cute little girl, wearing a Disney princess dress, fishing on a public pond with her grandmother at a Disney World resort, when a Saboteur came along and tangled up her line in the process of stealing what would have been the little princess’s very first fish. The little girl’s line had to be cut, and to make matters worse, The Sab didn’t even offer to help the ladies re-tie and re-rig their fishing pole, he just kept on pulling the fish in, one nice bream after another. It was truly The Happiest Place on Earth for that guy, but not for that poor kid.
This type of behavior is shameful. Pure evil. I later went back to apologize to that little girl, but she was nowhere to be found.
4. The Tutor
While The Tutor is often confused with The Know It All, a petty criminal who mostly commits misdemeanors, he or she is basically a well-meaning individual who simply wants to educate others on the fine art of angling – which is a felony.
Here’s the scenario: You are fishing with a buddy, whom you did not realize had advanced degrees in The History, Theory and Practical Functionality of American Angling from both Harvard and Yale, and you just can’t seem to hook one or even get a bite. Meanwhile, The Tutor is pulling in one trophy after another.
“Say there, Old Chap,” The Tutor says, while puffing from his pipe like a scholarly Oxford professor. “Here is what you are doing wrong. First, that’s entirely the wrong lure. Your presentation is all wrong. And yes, you have the wrong type of braided line on there. Here, let me show you how to re-spool this thing. And who taught you how to tie that fishing knot?”
“My grandfather did, back in 1962,” you hiss angrily. “I’ve been using it for 40 years.”
“Well that’s all wrong, too!”
5. The Gambler
As evident from the name, The Gambler has a gambling addiction as well as a fishing addiction.
“Hey, buddy, wanna bet I can catch more fish than you? What you say, a case of good beer? The loser pays the winner’s boat taxes this year?”
You will know if you are in the company of a Gambler even before you launch the boat. For example, on the way to the lake you may drive past two randy dogs engaged in carnal canine carryings-on, and he wants to go ahead and bet on the number of future puppies and the color.
The Gambler exhibits counting habits very similar to The Counter, but his survival rate is usually much higher – especially if he or she owes you money that you hope to someday collect.
6. The Snitch
The Snitch will behave like a perfect gentleman during the fishing trip, but will rush back to shore to post on social media that he or she out-fished you, then inform your boss that you played hooky to go fishing, tell your wife that you drank too many beers and told too many bawdy stories, and rat you out to your preacher because you used some words that aren’t in the Sunday School program or the Hymn Book.
Snitches get stitches, buddy, or at the very least a large treble hook in the backside.
(When fishing with others, be on the lookout for The Common Thief.)
7. The Common Thief
I was on a guided bass excursion with some relatives, including some in-laws, when I laid my reel down to discretely answer the call of nature over the side of the boat.
Suddenly, a bass gobbled my minnow and the line jumped. One of my in-laws not only leaped up and stole my rod, then pulled in my fish; he also took full credit for it at the next family function, not even giving me credit with the assist like they do in other sports like basketball.
Much like The Snitch and The Dock Blocker, The Common Thief often gets stitches and may be found lying in ditches. I wonder, is it possible to divorce an in-law but keep your wife?
8. The Helpless Yankee
The Helpless Yankee is named after another in-law of mine, a New Yorker who ruined an entire week’s fishing vacation for me the first time I met him. Not coincidentally, it was also the last time I met him. But I realize that the term “Yankee” may be offensive and politically incorrect in today’s society, so let’s just call this character The City Slicker.
Regardless of what you call this fellow, not only does he not know how to remove a fish from the hook, but he is also too squeamish to even impale his own worm or cricket on the hook. So, there I was, trying to fish with my two small children, and here comes this mature, adult, 6’5” tall New York Yankee with a beard following me around, begging me to put on his bait and take off his fish, and crying because he had to wear a life jacket and I wouldn’t give him any more of my beers. It was like I had three kids that day.
As a whole, the fishing trip was lousy, but I took them all out for ice cream and cotton candy later, and that was nice.
(There is usually at least one Clown on every boat, sometimes two.)
9. The Clown
At times, having a clown around can make things entertaining. At other times, not so much, like when you suddenly have some type of spasm and cast your new $18 lure high into a tree, where it is destined to stay forever.
“What are you fishing for, bats?” The Clown roars with laughter, rocking the boat, and then you have to listen to him or her hum the theme song of Batman for the rest of the trip.
10. The Romantic
Aww, the sweet Romantic. Perhaps the most misunderstood and unappreciated type of fisherman, The Romantic has a soft spot in his heart – and often his head – for every fish he catches. Have you ever seen Bill Dance pull in a fat lady bass, then talk to her gently, give her a pat on her plump belly, followed by a wet kiss, and then release her? Well, The Romantic does that with every catch, regardless of size or species, falling in love over and over again, admiring her beauty, taking photos, everything short of writing sonnets right there in the front of the boat (he usually saves the poetry for the privacy of his boathouse).
It is often quite sickening to be in the presence of a Romantic, and it’s enough to make a more modest angler lose his Vienna sausage lunch. But I make no apologies to my fishing accomplices, you love who you love, and they are all a bunch of Clowns anyway.