The Midlife Crisis Starter Kit

From crime scene tape to high-voltage cattle prods, here is everything you need to survive your next midlife crisis.

“The five B’s of middle age – baldness, bridgework, bifocals, bay windows and bunions. – Anonymous

Middle age. Nothing prepared me for this, not even the bald, gray men and wrinkled women in my family, with their all-knowing smirks and ever-present advice. But for those of you who have yet to attain the cringing, woeful status of middle age, I will not be so cruel as to let you enter this stage of life unprepared. I will warn you. I will prepare you for the shock ahead.

Forget the midlife crisis cliché of going out and buying a Harley Davidson motorcycle or having a fling with a younger lover. Every day is going to bring you a new midlife crisis.

Do I dye these gray hairs, or accept them as my own? Do I tell my wife she has a moustache, or take it to the grave with me? What body part will hurt today for absolutely no reason? What organ will begin acting up and refuse to do its job? Will I make it to the bathroom on time? How much hair will I find in the sink today? Will my false teeth come out while I’m attempting to give my wife a hickey on her neck?...

I can’t answer these questions for you, but you might better start now by compiling your very own Midlife Crisis Starter Kit so you, too, can join this elite club of suffering we call Middle Age. Follow me, I’ll get you started:

The Midlife Crisis Starter Kit

The Basics – Just for starters, grab some reading glasses, fish oil pills, an AARP card, a CPAP sleep apnea machine, some Fixodent denture glue, a large variety of pain pills, arthritis cream, and maybe even some high-fiber products. I would recommend the extra-strength Fixodent, because nothing is more embarrassing than nibbling on your wife’s neck or bosom and having your top plate pop out, but I think we have covered that.

As for the CPAP machine, let’s hope the spouse is attracted to people who ask for romance while looking and sounding like Darth Vader in Star Wars.

Cattle prod – For those who don’t know, a cattle prod is a long, battery-powered device, much like a toned-down Taser, that is used to shock livestock while herding or loading them. You will need this device often, because you and your spouse will fall asleep during work meetings, while watching the six o’clock news, sometimes while driving, and perhaps even while “making out” on your anniversary. Yes, I know this sounds shockingly cruel, but I would recommend keeping it on your side of the couch or bed.

A “man bag” or fanny pack - Don’t laugh, this will come in handy for holding that Fixodent, hearing aids, ankle braces, reading glasses, heating pads, assorted ointments and creams, pain pills and medications, batteries for the hearing aids and cattle prods…

A chemistry degree – The sexiest lotion beside your bed these days is that tube of Ben-Gay, so if you are feeling adventurous you may need to know how to mix exotic sex massage oils, lubricants, or numbing creams with your arthritis cream without developing a painful skin rash or an explosive chemical reaction.

An extra copy of your high school yearbook – You will run into old classmates at the Piggly Wiggly and have no idea who they are. See if you can order a pocket-sized version to fit into your fanny pack at the next senior class reunion.

Prescription glasses on a chain around your neck – To help you find the prescription glasses you keep losing.

Adhesive name tags – For those reoccurring occasions when you forget the name of your grandkids, kids, dogs, doctor, spouse, etc.

Pill shooter – Trust me, you are going to get tired of swallowing all the pills, vitamins and assorted medications the doctors say you need to stay alive, and those new model, high-powered pill shooters are very effective. However, I would stay away from the high-powered suppository shooter.

Egg timer – You are going to need something to tell you when to take all those pills and suppositories.

A gumball machine – You are going to need somewhere to store all those pills when your medicine cabinet gets full, so why not make it fun? Anybody got a quarter?

Giant foam hand – You know those giant foam hands you see at sporting events? They are great for slapping young people that say “sir” or “ma’am” and offer to help you cross the street.

New Balance sneakers – I know, it’s another cliché – the stereotypical middle-aged Dad wearing New Balance sneakers while mowing the lawn – but these shoes are great for running away from your wife at chore time and when it’s romance time. Because she likes using that cattle prod for both occasions.

Extra hair accessories – Middle-agers need a few more hair accessories that usual: a ball cap to cover bald spots, hair trimmers for those spots where hair isn’t supposed to grow, mousse or hair gel to make that comb-over stay down, and a pair of needle-nose pliers to get those hard-to-reach hairs you will find in your nostrils, ears, and in the bathroom sink drains. That’s just for the ladies, don’t get me started on what men need…

Stop-and-go juices – You know, like prune juice and then Imodium AD to stop the prunes.

Men’s health vitamins – Yes, that’s what I call those little blue sexual enhancement pills, so mind your own business, kids, or I’m getting out the giant foam hand.

Push-up bras – Let’s face it: the older we get, some body parts start sagging, so I would recommend a sturdy push-up bra and maybe even some Spanx. And this isn’t a bad idea for the ladies, either.

Baby wipes – Don’t ask too many questions here, just throw them into your fanny pack and keep it moving.

Back scratcher – A lot of things are going to start itching and hurting, and you aren’t going to be able to see some of those body parts, much less reach them. Apply some Gorilla tape to the end of it, and it will help you put your socks on in the morning.

Crime scene tape – This is for the bathroom door, but I also tape a long piece to the TV remote control so I can remember where I put it.

Bedside step-stool – Don’t worry, this has nothing to do with sex.

Text-friendly phone – This does. You will find that your sex life now consists of something the younger people call “sexting,” so prepare for many a hot and steamy evening of you and your spouse sex texting each other all the hot and steamy things you plan to do at bedtime until you pass out alone in your recliner, phone in your cramped hand, with your clothes still on.

Diary or journal – You will need a ledger of some sort to keep up with your cholesterol and blood sugar counts, blood pressure levels, all the names you keep forgetting, medications and dosages, computer passwords for your telehealth visits and that online overseas pharmacy where you discreetly get your men’s health vitamins, as well as important dates such as doctor appointments, the last time you slept an entire night without “incident,” and your annual or semi-annual appointment to sex text with your spouse.

Good luck with middle age and I’ll see you at the class reunion!