The Real (Naughty) Housewives of Swampton County

Misadventures in sexting with your spouse.

Jimmy Shakes walked into the hardware store about 3 in the afternoon, and he had that look.

I’ve seen the look before in the service. Men who had seen too much trauma, too much ugliness and fear.

The old guy sat on his usual stool, placed his phone gingerly on the counter, then slid it away from him, eyeing it warily as if it were a Claymore mine that could detonate at any moment. Instead of chatting it up about the weather and politics, or sharing off-color jokes, Jimmy just stared off into the distance across the store. The thousand-yard stare.

They call me Pete the Paint Guy, and I work the paint counter here at the Swampton Hardware and Mercantile, along with a few other more confidential duties, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

Funny story, my real name is actually Simon. But Harold, the part-time Baptist preacher who works the gun sales counter, thought it would be funny to start calling me Peter. You know, like how Jesus changed the apostle Simon’s name to Peter, the Rock? Ever since then, all these jackasses around here started calling me Pete the Paint Guy, and it stuck. I guess I don’t mind.

But being the in-house paint exert is only one of my jobs. You see, the hardware paint guy in a small town is like the friendly neighborhood bartender, the wise advisor, the Catholic priest who hears confessions, the therapist, psychiatrist and marriage counselor all rolled up into one. I’m here 40 hours a week to lend a willing ear and sage advice to any guy coping with life’s problems and looking for guidance and comfort.

And I could tell that Jimmy was a man dealing with some major troubles.

His phone vibrated with an incoming text, and he jumped, startled, and pushed it away in what appeared to be a mixture of fear and disgust.

“What’s eating at ya, Jimmy?” I asked, organizing some paint stirring sticks. “Anything I can help you with?”

After some hesitation, he began. “That woman is about to kill me, Petey. I’m too old for all this.”