The Weaker Sex

On the farm, you can always tell who has the true grit when it’s time to neuter the livestock.

Author’s Note: As late as my father’s generation, my rural ancestors engaged in a practice of neutering their livestock and growing up on a farm I was forced to help. As a modern hobby and sustenance farmer, I have abandoned this practice in favor of a more humane, animal-friendly lifestyle. But the psychological scars from my boyhood remain.

They should have a name for this time of year, I’ve always thought, but “pig testicle cutting season” doesn’t exactly glamourize the rural lifestyle quite like “apple picking time.”

On the farm, you can always tell who has the true grit when it’s time to castrate the livestock. It’s a good time to weed out the wimps from the toughs, the boys from the men.

This is also a great time to talk to your sons about the “Birds and the Bees” and preventing teen pregnancy, and a wonderful time to introduce yourself to your teenage daughter’s new boyfriend:

“Just to be clear, boy,” and this is the part where you grab the scalpel and the pig testicles firmly and look the boy directly in the eyes, “this is what’s going to happen to you if you ever put your hands on my daughter! (Slice! Squeal!) Any questions?”